only one left now. the oldest. seems pretty likely all 3 will be dead by the end of the year.
the emergency vet couldn't do anything. so i wish that we hadn't done anything so he could at least die in his home with us around. it's not fair that the last hour of his life was being dragged out from under the bed and put in a cage and then dying in a strange place without any of us with him. but then we would have had to wonder if had we taken him would he have survived. suppose you can't expect the creatures you love dying to have any kind of upside or way to make things right.
it's a bit like schrodinger's cat. i know that he's wrapped in a towel, wrapped in another towel, inside a bag, dead in the freezer. but i still expect to see them just walking around or eating or looking into the garden.
it reminded me that i can't kill myself. seeing how much death hurts my parents. seems obvious i guess. but my parents don't deserve that. they really don't.
this is all life will ever be. it's never going to get better.